Eating, Experiments, Holidays, Parties

In Which I Conquer a WHOLE BRISKET.

Vegetarian friends… you guys can sit this one out.

We’re gonna be talking meat. Hanukkah meat. Brisket Meat.

Fifteen pounds of meat.

Real quick though: I almost named this “In Which I Concur a WHOLE BRISKET” because my fever may have denatured most of my brain.

ANYJEW, the meat!

It looked like this:

Claire included for scale.

Claire included for scale.

Being manly with meat.

Being manly with meat…Oh hai, Mick Jagger.

 

I’m going to level with you bibbles, I had no idea how to handle this chunk of cow. I decided to use the googles and found A LOT of OPINIONS. You know what they say about opinions, right?

If you subtract PI you get ONIONS!

OOOOOOHHHH Claire…

You have flu brain.

Moving on. Finally, I found this recipe on the Pioneer Woman site.

I also consulted my mother. My mother said that the only thing her asshole ex-husband taught her was how to make a decent brisket. She said the trick is to cook lower and slower. So instead of the PW’s suggested 40 minutes per lb. at 300 F, I did 1 hour per lb. at 250 F.

But my marinade was very similar to PW’s.

Observe:

Some consomme.

Oh hai, dog.

Oh hai, dog.

 

Some onions (left over from all those opinions!) and garlic.

They'll only make you cry.

They’ll only make you cry.

 

You know what I did with those bitches? I pureed the freak out of them.

Now who's crying?

Now who’s crying?

 

Then some beer (not a whole can because I drank some).

Keeping it local.

Keeping it local.

 

Then some soy sauce (1/2 a cup).

Not so local.

Not so local.

 

Then some lemons! For acidity and brightness!

To fight scurvy.

To fight scurvy.

 

Let everyone get to know each other…

A vat of awesome.

A vat of awesome.

 

Then I had to squeeze that thang into the pan. It reminded me of putting on my jeans in the morning…AMIRIGHTLADIES?

Someone shoot my face.

I had to beat her into submission.

We did it!

 

Then I let her roast for FIFTEEN HORSES HOURS.

Then she looked like this.

Look at that crispy fat.

Look at that crispy fat.

 

AND THEN GUESS WHAT? I FORGOT TO TAKE A PICTURE OF ANYTHING ELSE BECAUSE I WAS MAKING 5 LBS OF LATKES I’M REALLY SORRY GUYS.

But believe me…It just fell apart. I couldn’t even get slices. She just disintegrated.

And it was tasty.

And my guests were sated.

And now I have to do this every Hanukkah.

IT’S OVER!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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