Vegetarian friends… you guys can sit this one out.
We’re gonna be talking meat. Hanukkah meat. Brisket Meat.
Fifteen pounds of meat.
Real quick though: I almost named this “In Which I Concur a WHOLE BRISKET” because my fever may have denatured most of my brain.
ANYJEW, the meat!
It looked like this:
I’m going to level with you bibbles, I had no idea how to handle this chunk of cow. I decided to use the googles and found A LOT of OPINIONS. You know what they say about opinions, right?
If you subtract PI you get ONIONS!
You have flu brain.
Moving on. Finally, I found this recipe on the Pioneer Woman site.
I also consulted my mother. My mother said that the only thing her asshole ex-husband taught her was how to make a decent brisket. She said the trick is to cook lower and slower. So instead of the PW’s suggested 40 minutes per lb. at 300 F, I did 1 hour per lb. at 250 F.
But my marinade was very similar to PW’s.
Some onions (left over from all those opinions!) and garlic.
You know what I did with those bitches? I pureed the freak out of them.
Then some beer (not a whole can because I drank some).
Then some soy sauce (1/2 a cup).
Then some lemons! For acidity and brightness!
Let everyone get to know each other…
Then I had to squeeze that thang into the pan. It reminded me of putting on my jeans in the morning…AMIRIGHTLADIES?
Someone shoot my face.
Then I let her roast for FIFTEEN
Then she looked like this.
AND THEN GUESS WHAT? I FORGOT TO TAKE A PICTURE OF ANYTHING ELSE BECAUSE I WAS MAKING 5 LBS OF LATKES I’M REALLY SORRY GUYS.
But believe me…It just fell apart. I couldn’t even get slices. She just disintegrated.
And it was tasty.
And my guests were sated.
And now I have to do this every Hanukkah.