Wow. That was intense guys…who needs a drink???
Mama needs a drink.
I’m sorry, I won’t refer to myself as “Mama” ever again. That was really awkward. Also, if I do have a drink, I’m gonna get drunk reaaallll quick. Cleansing=no tolerance.
Anyhoes, this was actually pretty awesome. I lost 10 lbs (though tonight when I weighed myself again, I had only lost 8.5 lbs…but it’s late and I had just eaten dinner…soooo?), my skin looks better, my clothes fit better, and several people have expressed a desire to have sex with me. That last part is not true.
Things I learned on this 3-week cleansing ordeal:
1. I was eating too much. I know this seems really obvious. But I was eating waaayyy too much. I do not need to snack before I go to bed. I do not need to eat things just because they are there. Small portions do actually fill me up, once I stop being a whiny little bitch about it.
2. I was eating too much meat. Before, I was eating meat at every meal. My portions were also too big. 3-4 oz. is really enough. I’m still going to eat a motherfucking bison steak every now and again though. Don’t even try to talk me out of it. Bison are assholes anyway (what?).
3. I like salmon. I thought I hated it. But then I cooked it. And now I like it.
How about those fragmented sentences?
4. Apple cider vinegar, ginger, and garlic are the best things ever. EVER. They make kale (KALE) taste like magic.
5. I actually like kale. This is HUGE for me. I usually hate things that are good for me (like salmon), so it is really weird that I like kale (and salmon).
6. Water. Water is so important.
Where do we go from here, my bibbles? Do I revert back to the old ways of constantly eating bison and bowls of melted cheese (this has happened guys, I’m gross)? I think not. I like wearing sexy clothes too much. Here is how this is going to go down:
1. Tomorrow: I’m eating a motherfucking bison steak. Look, it’s really good. I’m going to have it so I can move on with my life. This is my reward bison for not eating so many bison over the last 3 weeks. I’m also going to have some wine and beer. Because I miss those guys.
2. After tomorrow: I’m pretty much going to eat like I did on this cleanse during the week, with the addition 1-2 servings of dairy a day. I’m going to try and only eat one serving of lean meat a day too. No sugar during the week (except on birthdays, I’m only human guys).
3. Weekends: I’m going to kinda eat whatever I want. But, I don’t want absolute crap anymore. Crap gives me headaches now.
4. I’m going to get a trainer and get super ripped and do lots of steroids. Two of those statements are false.
I’m just going to do a lot of steroids.
Then I’ll be a juice-head!
Reel it back in…
So there you have it bibbles, that cleanse was a success. I’ll let Gyote sum it up.