On behalf of mankind, I would like to apologize. I would like to apologize for using you name indiscriminately, as if it pertains to all chemical glassware. You my friend, are not a round bottom, an Erlenmeyer, or a Kjeldahl flask. You fill many a valiant role, from the prep of to the heating and stirring of solutions. You are indispensable in a laboratory, and for that, we thank you.
Though you are graduated, we would never ask you for precise measurements. You’re to rough and tumble for that. Nor would we ask you to homogenize or store solutions. You can’t commit to long term relationships. We should accept you for who you are and call you what you are, and we should respect you enough to not call other glassware by your mighty nomer.
You beaker, with your flat bottom and your small but serviceable spout, you are the one for me if I intend to decant supernatant fluid. You are the one for me if I need a vessel to catch the solvent I use to clean your mighty brethren. You are the one for me when I need a home for my magnetic stir bars. But for truly uniform heating I must turn to another, and I know you won’t be jealous. You’re not a round bottom flask and a round bottom flask is not you. You know it. I know it. Now it is time for the world to know it. I will not rest noble beaker. I will not rest until the whole world knows that the only two things on this god-forsaken earth that deserve the mighty title of “beaker” are this: