Celebrate Passover With a Traditional Matzo House!

25 Mar

Guys. I made a matzo house. I saw it on Epicurious. Theirs is super pretty.

Photo from Epicurious.com

Photo from Epicurious.com

I feel bad for Passover, guys. Easter is such a pastel-hued harlot who is always stealing the spotlight. How can Passover compete? All it has is weird gummy candies and some more different chocolate covered gummy candies and Gifilte fish.

Easter has caramel Cadburry eggs and Whopper eggs an Reese’s eggs and giant chocolate bunnies.

BUT.

But…Passover has matzo, and matzo is pretty awesome. You can make matzo brittle , people. Matzo brittle almost makes up for Gefilte fish…almost.

What better way to celebrate the awesome unleavened bread that is matzo than build a house out of it? When I first ran it by my Jewish husband, I expected him to be all “That’s not a thing, babe.”

And he was, but only after he expressed unbridled joy for the idea.

ANYMATZOBALLS. Let’s do this thing.

1. Assemble your supplies.

This was pretty much the entire Kosher for Passover section at Publix. The Easter section was of course obscene, but let’s not talk about that candy-colored tramp.

Building Materials.

Building Materials.

2. Lay down the foundation. I used peanut butter.

Lay it down thick.

Lay it down thick.

This was not enough peanut butter to keep the walls up. I would have been frustrated, but I kept saying “Shaka, when the walls fell,” and giggling to myself.

3. Put in reinforcements.

I used some coconut marshmallows around the foundation to prop that business up.

Darmok and Jalad, at Tenagra.

Darmok and Jalad, at Tenagra.

 

4. Decorate.

Mine is not nearly as festive as the one on the Epicurious site.

It’s okay, I guess.

Tradition!

Tradition!

So yeaaahhhh…it’s okaaaay.

My life can basically be summed up by the following:

cookie-monster-cupcakes-nailed-it

 

WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK?

And Now For Something Completely Different.

14 Mar

I usually talk about food and science; today I’m going to talk about make up and science…with Danielle.

Enjoy.

A Bunch of Things You Guys Should Know About

4 Mar

Oh hello…I didn’t see you there.

How have you been? Well, I hope.

This feels really awkward bibbles, as I haven’t written a word in weeks (here or otherwise). I don’t think I’ve written a post since my vet article for xojane, which apparently made my dad famous… at least in the veterinarian community. All his vet-friends were all: “Did you know your daughter put you on the interweb??” And he was all: “Yeah, guys.”

BUT ANYWHEY.

I’m just going to dive right in here and tell you all of the things I have been excited about of late.

1. Crimping.

My hair, that is. Though The Mighty Boosh definition is excellent as well.

 

You guys are fucking welcome.

But, I meant this crimping.

Crimped!

Crimped!

 

2. Foie Gras in doughnuts.

Because I am disgusting.

How could I not?

How could I not?

 

That peanut butter powder was a pretty good use of molecular gastronomy…well played, Bern’s.

What do you drink with such a culinary monstrosity you (most certainly did not) ask?

3. Bern’s and Cigar City had a baby and it’s grandpa owns strip clubs.

What I mean is: Cigar city made a special beer just for Bern’s Steak house and they age it in bourbon barrels and I love it and OH YEAH the father of the guy who owns Cigar City owns Mons Venus.

The more you know.

I'm sorry it's dark but flash is tacky blah blah blah.

I’m sorry it’s dark but flash is tacky blah blah blah.

Also, Bern’s Steakhouse follows me on twitter now sooooo…Check and mate.

4. Gin.

I’ve been drinking a lot of Hendrick’s Gin because it is the best gin of all the gins.

I love a Tom Collins, I love an extra dirty martini, and I love a PICKLETINI.

In the tub.

In the tub.

 

5. Washing my hair with baking soda and vinegar.

It’s going well. My Aunt Margaret told me to do it and she’s so pretty so I did.

More on that later.

HOW HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN?

 

 

Remember the Jolly Trolley Times?

13 Feb

I kiiiiiiinda do.

In retrospect, it doesn’t seem like I drank that much…but it felt like I did, bibbles.

But hey! Where have I been recently? Why, I’ve been writing a bunch for xojane.com! Check me out.

It should be noted that one of my coworkers referred to my xo profile pic as “terrifying.” Shut UP Steve.

Also, really important: My hair is a different color.

I'd do me.

I’d do me.

 

Anybass! Katie and I decided it would be a really grood idea to pay $20 for a trolley that went between three beer bars. There was free beer on said trolley and it was GOOD BEER, bibbles.

THANKS DUNEDIN HOUSE OF BEER!

Just a couple of warriors.

Just a couple of warriors.

 

Before we embarked, I ate a bagel.

Bagel Times.

Bagel Times.

 

We got wristbands, you know like in a club. Club Trolley Times.

I haven't been this excited about a wristband in a while.

I haven’t been this excited about a wristband in a while.

 

Then we drank some beers.

7eventh Sun DELICIOUSNESS.

7eventh Sun DELICIOUSNESS.

My Trolley Beer.

My Trolley Beer.

 

Katie's Trolley Beer. She's so CUTE.

Katie’s Trolley Beer. She’s so CUTE.

 

Then we arrived at the Palm Harbor House of Beer and some lady was all “LOOK AT THIS SHIRTLESS PICTURE OF THE GUY FROM SUPERNATURAL.”

And we were all “Ehhhh…”

Then we murdered the awkward silence by ordering more beer (these were $1 off bee-tee-dubstep).

2nd Trolley Beer + Chips+ Dogfish Head Noble Rot = Color Coordinated

2nd Trolley Beer + Chips+ Dogfish Head Noble Rot = Color Coordinated

Katie was also color coordinated.

Katie was also color coordinated.

 

Back to Klub Trolley Timez.

We had some more Trolley Beerz. I forgot to take their pictures but YOU KNOW WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE.

Next Stop: Tarpon Tap House

I would like to issue a public apology to everyone at Tarpon Tap House who had to listen to me yell about vibrators. Klub Trolley Thymez makes you say the craziest things!

Who knows guys...

Who knows guys…

 

I KNOW I had two beers. Yet there is only one picture. Such is the life of a patron of Klub Troll-E Timesauce.

French fried potatoes were had.

Tasty Times.

Tasty Times.

 

I’d like to apologize to the bartender, who had to deal with these monsters:

It's fiiiine guys.

It’s fiiiine guys.

 

Then I saw someone I knew in Club-a-baby-seal Trolly Times and we HAD TO GET BACK ON.

More beer was had and I spilled some on my purse but it’s fiiine, thank you for asking.

It's dark in da klub.

It’s dark in da klub.

 

I know, at this point, that I am missing at least three beer photos…and like all of Katie’s beers, but you guys get the idea.

We had come full circle back to Dunedin HOB. I put $5 in the jukebox, picked some songs, and went outside where I couldn’t really hear my songs.

Then this happened:

Real quick shout out to our waitress at Pan Y Vino who was a gorgeous goddess and super nice to us!

Naturally.

Naturally.

We were later provided with crayons.

We were later provided with crayons.

The BEST PIZZA.

The BEST PIZZA.

You know...

You know…

 

Then, my saint of a saintly perfect husband came and retrieved us.

He fed me McDonalds (how?) and vitamins and made me drink water and watched Downton Abbey with me.

And I took a lot of pictures with Kira.

Here’s one now!

Shameless.

Shameless.

 

Moral of the story: What happens at Club Trolley Times does not stay at Klub Trollee Timez because it’s an open air trolley and people CAN SEE YOU.

IT’S OVER!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How is your year so far?

17 Jan

Mine is not bad.

I started writing some for xojane.com. I wrote about a lot of things guys: peanut butter & pickle sandwiches, calibrating your oven, and cooking eggs in your oven (pinterest style).

Really hard-hitting journalism. You know, asking the questions people are too afraid to ask. Really getting in there and exploring the issues.

I was thinking about once again starting to post pictures of what I eat every day, but with very little text. Do you guys care anymore?

Also, Angie is getting famous. People have requested I write a post dedicated entirely to her.

I'll make you famous.

I’ll make you famous.

 

You can see why, right?

What Were You Eating New Year’s…New YEAR’S EVE?

4 Jan

HAPPY NEW YEAR, BIBBLES!!!

How did you celebrate the last day of the 2012? I celebrated it by eating AND drinking! Do you want to know what I ate-slash-drank? If you do not, then you are reading the wrong blog. If this is the case…please leave. Just go…I don’t wanna talk to you anymore.

ANYWIZZLE.

I began the last day of last year with lots of bread!

Some baked brie…

With apricot preserves, natch.

With apricot preserves, natch.

 

NEXT: An unnecessary croissant.

I did not need this.

I did not need this.

 

THEN: Some necessary OJ and champagne.

I needed this.

I needed this.

 

AND FINALLY:  A Rueben Crepe. WHAT?! YES. THAT’S RIGHT? I AM GREAT AT PICKING THINGS OFF MENUS.

With some mustard.

With some mustard.

 

That crepe was actually a little soggy.

Then we took a drive to the city. I didn’t get a picture of all the cows on the beautiful hills… which is a shame…When I pointed them out to Sean, he said: “THE HILLS HAVE COWS!”

I’m sorry I’m not sorry that I laughed at that.

Cow-less hills.

Cow-less hills.

 

Once we reached our hotel, we did what any red-blooded non-terrorist would do…

Some Sorta Chocolate Stout.

Some Sorta Chocolate Stout.

 

Then we walked around and I bought a tacky-fabulous fake leopard coat. Then we went to dinner…which I will present without comment…in pictures.

THE CUCUMBERS TAKE THIS TO THE NEXT LEVEL.

THE CUCUMBERS TAKE THIS TO THE NEXT LEVEL.

I LOVE RAW FISH.

I LOVE RAW FISH AND TAPENADE.

THIS HAS ANCHOVIES IN IT.

THIS HAS ANCHOVIES IN IT.

Don't GnocchIT until you try IT.

Don’t GnocchIT until you try IT.

Party Time.

Party Time.

Oh hai, glitter nails.

Oh hai, glitter nails.

Guess what this is for.

Guess what this is for.

Shhhhhh...

Shhhhhh…

Because there was an after party coming up.

Because there was an after party coming up.

Sean's Dessert.

Sean’s Dessert.

My dessert.

My dessert.

 

And the owner took our picture AND GAVE IT TO US FOR FREE.

The owner was kind of a hipster.

The owner was kind of a hipster.

 

I guess that wasn’t completely comment-less.

Here, have some more pictures:

So festive!

So festive!

Just drinking coffee guys.

Just drinking coffee guys.

Old Blue Eyes, they call him.

“Old Blue Eyes”, they call him.

 

Then we went to a speakeasy and drank punch and champagne and whiskey and saw a burlesque show and had our own table because we are super important.

One drink had leaves.

One drink had leaves.

Nice "e".

Nice “e”.

 

HAPPY NEW YEAR BIBBLES!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In Which I Conquer a WHOLE BRISKET.

10 Dec

Vegetarian friends… you guys can sit this one out.

We’re gonna be talking meat. Hanukkah meat. Brisket Meat.

Fifteen pounds of meat.

Real quick though: I almost named this “In Which I Concur a WHOLE BRISKET” because my fever may have denatured most of my brain.

ANYJEW, the meat!

It looked like this:

Claire included for scale.

Claire included for scale.

Being manly with meat.

Being manly with meat…Oh hai, Mick Jagger.

 

I’m going to level with you bibbles, I had no idea how to handle this chunk of cow. I decided to use the googles and found A LOT of OPINIONS. You know what they say about opinions, right?

If you subtract PI you get ONIONS!

OOOOOOHHHH Claire…

You have flu brain.

Moving on. Finally, I found this recipe on the Pioneer Woman site.

I also consulted my mother. My mother said that the only thing her asshole ex-husband taught her was how to make a decent brisket. She said the trick is to cook lower and slower. So instead of the PW’s suggested 40 minutes per lb. at 300 F, I did 1 hour per lb. at 250 F.

But my marinade was very similar to PW’s.

Observe:

Some consomme.

Oh hai, dog.

Oh hai, dog.

 

Some onions (left over from all those opinions!) and garlic.

They'll only make you cry.

They’ll only make you cry.

 

You know what I did with those bitches? I pureed the freak out of them.

Now who's crying?

Now who’s crying?

 

Then some beer (not a whole can because I drank some).

Keeping it local.

Keeping it local.

 

Then some soy sauce (1/2 a cup).

Not so local.

Not so local.

 

Then some lemons! For acidity and brightness!

To fight scurvy.

To fight scurvy.

 

Let everyone get to know each other…

A vat of awesome.

A vat of awesome.

 

Then I had to squeeze that thang into the pan. It reminded me of putting on my jeans in the morning…AMIRIGHTLADIES?

Someone shoot my face.

I had to beat her into submission.

We did it!

 

Then I let her roast for FIFTEEN HORSES HOURS.

Then she looked like this.

Look at that crispy fat.

Look at that crispy fat.

 

AND THEN GUESS WHAT? I FORGOT TO TAKE A PICTURE OF ANYTHING ELSE BECAUSE I WAS MAKING 5 LBS OF LATKES I’M REALLY SORRY GUYS.

But believe me…It just fell apart. I couldn’t even get slices. She just disintegrated.

And it was tasty.

And my guests were sated.

And now I have to do this every Hanukkah.

IT’S OVER!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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